NESP Forum

Thought it might be fun to have one place to put the funny things we all run across.

When we need a pick-me-up we can just drop in and have a chuckle.

Here's one that a friend just sent me to start things off.

______________________________________________

Investment tips for 2008

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4.. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

60° F:
Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.

50° F:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.

40° F:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.

32° F:
Distilled water freezes.
Maine's Moose head Lake's water gets thicker.

20° F:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.

15° F:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0° F:
All the people in Miami die.
New Englanders close the windows.

10° below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

25° below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
People in New England get out their winter coats.

40° below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.

100° below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."

460° below zero:
All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in New England start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"!

500° below zero:
Hell freezes over.
The Red Sox win the World Series!

Alot of truth to this.....

That is so funny!

60° F:
Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.

Thinking about Taylor in the peacoat...

Great thread idea! Sometimes I get some fun ones, but don't like to
spam people with them so they go unappreciated. This is the perfect
way to share the good ones without clogging up people's email boxes.
Fun ones so far

Looks like we've reached this twice in recent years!

My son says the last one should be changed to

The Bruins win the Stanley Cup

This is a hoot ... sad, because it is TRUE ..... but a hoot!!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".


The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this , but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side"

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy..tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything"

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we
bodder on sigh and copy .... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this
YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to four letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, 'If you were my husband I'd give you poison,'
and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd drink it.'
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.'
'That depends, sir,' said Disraeli, 'on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'
'He had delusions of adequacy.'
-Walter Kerr
'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.'
-Winston Churchill
'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.'
-Winston Churchill
'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.'
-Clarence Darrow
'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.'
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'
-Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.'
-Moses Hadas
'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.'
-Abraham Lincoln
'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.'
-Mark Twain
'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.'
-Oscar Wilde
'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;bring a friend.... if you have one.'
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.'
-Winston Churchill, in response.
'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.'
-Stephen Bishop
'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.'
-John Bright
'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.'
-Irvin S. Cobb
'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.'
-Samuel Johnson>
'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.'
-Paul Keating
'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.'
-Jack E. Leonard
'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'
-Robert Redford
'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.'
-Thomas Brackett Reed
'To avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.'
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.'
-Forrest Tucker
'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?'
-Mark Twain
'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.'
-Mae West
'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'
-Oscar Wilde
'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather an illumination.'
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'
-Billy Wilder
'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.'
-Groucho Marx