Well, I thought we already had a joke thread, but I guess not. We can all use a laugh once in a while. Oh, who am I kidding. I need to laugh all the time, at least that's what my license plate says - LUV2LAF
Here's one from my friend David, who I've mentioned here before. He is the source of much of the humor that makes its way into my inbox.
******
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way!! No needles!! I hate needles, the patient said".
The dentist starts to hook up a laughing gas and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection', says the patient, 'I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "here's a Viagra tablet".
The patient says, wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!"
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"
"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.
"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde.
"Those are my emergency flashers!"
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to
come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong? He
replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied. "Write it down, he said, and I think you'll figure
it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric...
Speaking of Viagra:
A crate load of Viagra was stolen from a distribution depot - Police are looking for hardened criminals. When caught, those criminals will face stiff sentencing,
Duff . .
From the day's email offerings - -
HOW CAN YOU LIVE ON WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
> Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden”...
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
> The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
> Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
> Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
> Coca-Cola was originally green.
> It is impossible to lick your elbow.
> The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
> The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
> The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
> The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
> The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
> Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
> The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
> The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,9 87,654,321 ..........[This one fascinates me - what can I say I'm a numbers nerd]
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day
In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... “goodnight, sleep tight.”
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
That was interesting and I didn't believe 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,9 87,654,321 ..........[This one fascinates me - what can I say I'm a numbers nerd] ran to get calculator WOW
Thanks AH enjoyed it on this windy blah Saturday afternoon suckinG snot!
Thought really hard about licking elbow but didn't.
Thats up there with Why do dogs lick their balls????????????????? Because they can.
Got this in a PM on Boogie a while back and forgot I had pasted it in a word file to keep. Just ran across it and thought I'd share.
Obviously it was in response to the chicken crossing the road siggy line I had for a while.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Linda,
There is a "whole thing" called "Chicken Sense", I love it, fits my quirky sense of what's funny. Here 'tis.
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Mohammed Aldouri (Iraqi ambassador): The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned,because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emerson: The chicken didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Agent Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Ralph Nader: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Plato: For the greater good.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? Where do they get these chickens?"
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Thoreau: To live deliberatelyand suck all the marrow out of life.
Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Voltaire: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Will I live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you
think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
''Oh no, I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or
bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit?"
LOL Hawks - - this "seen on an RV bumper sticker " goes well with yours
Now that I'm older I thought it was great that I seem to have a lot more patience.
Turns out I just don't give a shit.
==================================================
From the weeks email offerings
" They Walk Among Us "
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back same scenario! I departed the store wit h the $46.64.
" They Walk Among Us "
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
" They Walk Among Us "
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'
" They Walk Among Us "
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' ; When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
" They Walk Among Us "
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
" They Walk Among Us "
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keep s it in the trunk.
" They Walk Among Us "
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
" They Walk Among Us "
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
" They Walk Among Us "
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
Yep, They Walk Among Us !
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all
.....they Vote!