Just for Laughs-Jokes Thread

[THawks]

New illness to watch out for:



Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[nys1emt]

(06-23-2009 08:54 AM)THawks Wrote:  New illness to watch out for:


Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

I'm sure I've had that illness several times over the last few years!!

[LISA]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?




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Don 't look down.
Don 't look down.
Don 't look down.

[UHadMeAtWooHoo]

OMG you guys are killing me

If this doesn't put a smile on your face, I'm not sure what will

[TayBea]

That laughing baby is sooooo funny! I remember when my boys were that age and them doing that same uncontrolable giggling! Thanks for the laugh!

[AgingHippie]

.
Can usually find a goody in Monday emails . . Bet we all know a "Mildred"


Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business... Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ..... walked home . . .
and left it there all night!!!


(You gotta love Frank!)

[LISA]

Words of Women to Live By









1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS, and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes
you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons - turn them into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking, sweet man, single or
married, there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest..

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a
daughter who thinks she's wrong.

[THawks]

The Recipe
Two men are showering up in a locker room when one of them
notices that his friend is extremely well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour
each night rubbing it with butter.. I know it sounds crazy but it
actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually
gotten smaller! "I've lost two inches already."


"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with
butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."



Wait for it ........






















"Crisco !!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damn it, Jim, Crisco
is shortening!"

MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!

[LISA]

The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained....



The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General .

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . .. ....

In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store..... Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instruct ed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper ...

Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the 20 last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.


AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits

[THawks]

YOU GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing!' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."